It’s just been reported from reputable sources this country will soon enter a devastating famine.
Because of the country’s addiction to pumpkin spice flavored food products, the pumpkin farmers across the nation have warned their pumpkin crops are unable to keep up with the demand. The spice farmers have all but packed their bags and foreclosed their sprawling spice fields.
Experts have estimated our supply will be completely depleted by the end of October.
Starbucks has released a statement outlining a plan to make pumpkin spice flavored drinks only available during an afternoon happy hour. Many grocery stores have instituted strict “no Jack-o-lantern” policies during Halloween to preserve their pumpkin supplies for what the public insists is more important: pumpkin spice flavored coffee, cake, candles, pies, beer, cookies, dog treats, shampoo, pizza, jerky and cosmetic products.
Larger cities like New York and Los Angeles have already experienced more serious shortages of pumpkin spice, and law enforcement departments have reported several serious incidents and mass theft of pumpkin spice products. Most suspects have been described as being blonde women wearing leggings and UGG boots.
Officials at the Food and Drug Administration are looking for solutions to slow the arrival of the impending famine.
“Maybe we should have realized years ago that not everything needs to be pumpkin spice flavored,” said one FDA employee who asked not to be named. “When I suggested this at a recent meeting, I was almost fired.”
Nick Anderson, an expert on inexplicable trends in the U.S., said things will get worse before they get better.
“This pumpkin spice thing is getting out of hand,” Anderson said. “People will eventually realize most things were better before we tried to infuse them with pumpkin spice, but it may take a while.”
Anderson said he’ll enjoy a pumpkin spice shake or cookie now and then, but he advised against getting sucked into the hysteria.
“Sometimes I think people just buy pumpkin spice stuff because it’s available, trendy and not because it tastes any better,” Anderson said.